c/birth-mothers

Took my 5 year old to meet his birth mom for the first time last week

I was dead set against it for like 3 years but his therapist pointed out he was drawing the same empty chair over and over so I caved. We did a short park visit and he just sat on the swing and smiled the whole time, anyone else change their mind about contact and how did you handle the first meeting?

Took me 6 months to track down my daughter's birth records... turned out they were in a county office just 20 miles away the whole time

Heard someone say birth moms are 'just egg donors' at a family dinner

My cousin's new wife said birth moms are basically egg donors and I nearly lost it at the table. She has no idea what it's like to carry a baby for 9 months and then hand them over. Has anyone else dealt with people reducing this to just biology?

Always thought open adoption was a bad idea until my sister did it

For years I was against the idea of open adoption. I figured it would just confuse the kid and cause drama between the families. But then my sister placed her baby with a couple in Ohio three years ago and they do monthly video calls. She also sends letters and photos twice a year. The birth parents actually came to the kid's second birthday party and it was fine. Nobody acted weird or territorial. My sister says it helps her feel at peace knowing her son is happy and she still gets to see him grow up. Has anyone else changed their mind on this after seeing it work well?

Hit 8 years as a birth mom and it hit me different this time

I started counting after placement and 8 years snuck up on me completely last Tuesday. Did any of you have a milestone that felt heavier or lighter than you expected?

People keep calling open adoption "giving up" and it drives me crazy.

My daughter's birth mom and I talk every month on speaker phone, she sends birthday cards, and last summer we met up at a diner in Toledo for pancakes - that doesn't sound like anyone gave up anything to me, so why does everyone act like she disappeared?

I finally told my aunt the real story about placing my daughter for adoption and she totally shocked me

For 14 years my aunt would make these passive comments about how 'brave' I was and I always felt judged. Last weekend at her house in Tulsa I just snapped and told her the full messy truth about the labor, the social worker visits, the panic attacks. She just got quiet and then admitted she placed a son in 1985 and never told anyone in the family. Has anyone else had a relative come out of the woodwork with their own adoption story after you opened up first?

Adoption paperwork took me 14 months longer than they said it would

When I first started the process to find my birth mother back in 2021, the agency told me it would take about 6 months tops to get non-identifying information. Fast forward 14 months and I was still waiting with no updates. Has anyone else had this kind of delay with sealed records?

TIL I stopped hiding my birth mom story after a random coffee shop chat

For like 7 years I would just say 'oh my parents are fine' whenever someone asked about family. It was easier than explaining that my birth mom placed me for adoption when I was 3 days old. Then last month I was at a Starbucks in Denver and this older woman started talking about her grandkid's adoption. I just blurted out 'I was adopted too' and she didn't even blink. She told me about being a birth mom in the 80s and how she still sends birthday cards every year. That conversation made me realize I had been treating my story like a secret when it's really just part of my life. Now I actually tell people when it comes up naturally and it feels way less heavy. Has anyone else had a random stranger change how you talk about your adoption story?

Rant: The adoption agency kept calling me the wrong name for 3 months

I got matched with a family back in March and the agency case worker kept calling me by the birth name of the kid on every single call. I corrected her maybe 6 times before I finally just started saying "that's not my name" at the start of every conversation. She finally put a sticky note on her monitor. Anyone else have an agency get basic stuff wrong for way too long?

Spent 6 months tracking down my birth mom's medical history and hit a wall

I started digging into my birth mother's side of the family tree back in March because I needed some health info for a doctor's appointment. Thought it would take a weekend max, maybe call a few relatives or check some online records. Instead I spent two weeks just figuring out her name isn't the one on my original birth certificate. Then another month trying to find her through adoption agencies but they kept saying confidentiality rules blocked everything. By June I had a list of 14 distant cousins who either didn't respond or had no clue about her health stuff. Finally got a lead from an aunt I found on Facebook but she only knew about allergies and blood type, nothing about heart disease or cancer which is what my doc wanted. Has anyone else run into this brick wall trying to get medical info from a birth parent, or did you find some clever way around it?

Just hit 50 birth mothers in my support group and I am shook

I started this little online support group on a whim back in September. Had maybe 8 women posting in the first week. Yesterday I counted and we are at exactly 50 active members now. That means 50 women who have placed kids for adoption and are talking it out together. Never expected to hit that number, let alone this fast. Anyone else stumbled into a milestone they didn't see coming?

The birth mother who changed how I see open adoption

I had a conversation with my sister-in-law last Sunday that really made me think. She gave up her daughter 14 years ago and always kept it closed, but lately she started talking with the adoptive family. She told me she regrets not opening it sooner because now her daughter is 16 and wants nothing to do with her. I always thought closed adoption was cleaner and easier, but hearing her say 'I missed 14 years I could have had some contact' hit different. Has anyone else had a closed adoption that they wish they had opened up earlier?

Vent: I spent 5 years writing my birth mother letters that never got sent

I kept a shoebox full of letters to my birth mom since I was 18. Every birthday, every holiday, every rough day I'd write one. Last month my therapist asked if I actually wanted her to read them. I said no and she just looked at me. Then it hit me - I was using those letters to avoid actually processing anything. They were like a diary dressed up as connection. Has anyone else caught themselves doing something that felt like reaching out but really was just hiding?

Had a birth mom tell me I was 'trying too hard' to connect and it stung but she was right

At a support group last month, this older birth mom named Diane watched me stress over a gift for my daughter's 10th birthday. I was picking out wrapping paper and fretting about the card message. Diane just said 'you're trying too hard. she already knows you love her. stop performing.' At first I got defensive but then I realized I was more worried about looking like a good birth mom than actually just being one. Has anyone else had a reality check like that from another birth mom who just called it straight?

Wasted $400 on that online registry service for birth mothers

I signed up for BirthConnect Plus back in January because they promised matching support and counseling. It was $400 for the year and all I got was a generic email once a month. The counselor never returned my calls and the match feature just showed profiles that were clearly outdated. Has anyone else tried a paid service like that and just felt ripped off?

Hit 500 replies on my adoption forum post and it changed my mind about open adoption

Two months ago I posted a heated rant about how open adoption was too complicated. Said I'd never do it. Got like 500 replies. Mostly from birth moms who had been through it. One story stood out. A woman named Sarah said she regretted not staying in touch for 10 years. Now her daughter is 16 and wants nothing to do with her. That hit hard. Made me realize my fear of the messy middle was keeping me from thinking about the long game. Has anyone else had a big number of responses flip their opinion on something?

Spent $200 on those fancy DNA test kits and got nothing but stress

I thought finding my birth mom would be easy with AncestryDNA but it just connected me to a bunch of distant cousins who didn't know anything. Ended up wasting 8 months chasing dead ends and crying over spreadsheets. Anyone else throw money at these things and regret it?

Shoutout to the librarian who helped me find birth mother records

I spent 6 whole months trying to track down my birth mother's info through online sites and kept hitting dead ends. Then a librarian at a small county archive in Missouri showed me how to search old newspaper announcements and census records in just one afternoon. Has anyone else found success through local libraries instead of paid services?

Saw my birth mom at the grocery store in Phoenix last month

I was grabbing milk in aisle 4. She was three carts down. Didn't even recognize her at first. Last time I saw her was 3 years ago at a diner. She just looked past me like I was a stranger. Has anyone else run into their birth mom somewhere random like that?

Saw my birth mom at a gas station in Tulsa last spring

I was stopping for gas on Route 66 near Catoosa around 6pm. I saw a woman who looked just like the old photo my adoptive mom kept. She was paying at the pump and I froze for like 2 minutes before walking over. We ended up talking for 15 minutes and she admitted she thinks about me every day but never reached out because she felt guilty. It made me realize that not all birth moms are distant by choice, some are just scared of messing things up. Has anyone else had a random meeting with their birth parent like that?

The way people say 'gave up' instead of 'placed' really bothers me

I was reading a post in another group last week where someone described a birth mom as 'giving up her baby' and it just hit me wrong. That phrasing makes it sound like she didn't want the kid or it was easy. I placed my daughter 14 years ago in Seattle and it was the hardest thing I ever did. It wasn't giving up. It was choosing a different life for her because I couldn't provide what she needed at 19. Has anyone else noticed this wording thing and does it bug you too?

A stranger at the grocery store told me her adoption story and it broke something open in me

I was standing in the canned goods aisle at the Safeway on 12th street last Tuesday, just staring at the same label for like 5 minutes. This older woman next to me asked if I was okay and I just started crying. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was thinking about placing my baby for adoption and I felt like a monster. She didn't flinch. She told me she was a birth mother 30 years ago and that the hardest thing she ever did was also the bravest. We talked for 20 minutes right there by the green beans. I didn't even get her name. Have any of you had a moment with a stranger that just shifted how you saw everything?

Messaged my birth mom on Facebook and she didn't reply for 3 weeks

I finally worked up the nerve to reach out to my birth mother last month. I typed out this long message explaining who I was and that I wasn't looking for anything crazy, just wanted to know if she was okay. Then the silence hit. Three full weeks of checking my messages every single day with nothing back. I was sitting in my car outside the grocery store in Tacoma when I finally got a notification. She wrote back saying she needed time to think and that my message brought up a lot of old stuff she buried. We've traded a few messages since then but it's super slow going. Has anyone else had a birth parent go quiet on them after reaching out?

The birth certificate delay that took 6 weeks to fix

I needed my son's amended birth certificate for his school enrollment last fall. The state office told me it would take 2 weeks. I called after 3 weeks and they said they never got the original paperwork from the hospital. Another 3 weeks of back and forth calls and emails before it showed up. Some birth mothers say you should order it right after the adoption is final, others say wait until you need it. Which timing worked for you all?